Unordinary...

God said to Moses, "I am who I am . This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.' "

What amazes me about God is his unrelentless interest in us. His love is so powerful, so amazing, so crazy for us. It does not make sense for God, who has no problems, to concern himself with us. We are broken people, with real problems but God wants to know us. What is more amazing God identifies himself through us.

Early in the passage God introduces himself as "I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob." He could of very well said, I am God the most powerful, creator of all things now worship me but he did not. Instead he identified himself with his people, the broken and flawed and then invited Moses to take off his sandals, in an act of worship, if he wanted to come any closer, if wanted to experience God more.

Again, God is not your ordinary immortal entity of this time. When Moses wanted to know God's name God replied, "I am who I am." A lot smarter people than I want to make this out as a divine title for God but I think God was so caught up in the moment, he did not care what Moses called him.

Look "I am who I am" but Moses I have seen my people suffering and it "concerns me".

Our suffering concerns God. Again God could have went on a tangent exclaiming Holy names for himself but rather he just said "I am who I am." I am is a God who is more concerned with knowing us than us knowing him. I am not saying God does not want us worship or it is not necessary for us to believe in him to go Heaven. Rather I am saying God wants to know us so intimately that he does not need some huge elaborate introduction. He is content to reveal himself in humble ways, like being born in a manger.

I am still the man...

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world."

Having said this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man's eyes. "Go," he told him, "wash in the Pool of Siloam" (this word means Sent). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing.


His neighbors and those who had formerly seen him begging asked, "Isn't this the same man who used to sit and beg?" Some claimed that he was.

Others said, "No, he only looks like him."

But he himself insisted, "I am the man." (John 9:9)

This passage of the bible is one of my favorites, for many reasons. For one, Jesus explains why God makes us disabled, so the glory of God may be shown through us. You may be thinking that their is nothing glorifying about being mentally challenged or blind or being in a wheel chair but tell that to Aaron Fotheringham (check out this video of him) and do not be deceived by my word choice of disabled. We all have a disability, whether it be a physical or mental, we all have one.

Another reason why I love this story is because Jesus healed this man. There is something about passages of scripture where Jesus heals that get to me. Maybe it is this hoping inside me that one day I can believe so fully that my deepest scares will be erased by grace or maybe it is the way Jesus heals, it is always hands on. He never snaps his fingers or writes out a script (then tells you take all the pills even if you feel better), but rather he touches those he heals. This account is just funny and where one my friend's believes the phrase "oh Jesus" originated.

The last reason why I like this passage, is the way people are in disbelief about what Jesus just did. How they believed that the man was not who he said he was, that he could not be himself because he was so changed. I have experienced that and I still do to this day. When I came to Christ I changed (still am changing) and people did not believe it, they still do not.

It has been three years since I have smoked that "sweet leaf" (April 22nd 2006) and I still get phone calls asking if I want to smoke. It is an awkward conversation when I explain that I choose Christ's love over any type of inebriation these days.

"But you put the HIGH in high school?!?!"

"Not anymore. I grew up and found something better, something fulfilling."

Day by day Christ is workingim me to heal me. I still have problems and plenty of them but I am still the man who Christ healed so many years ago.

I know...

In life we are forced to deal with situations that we cannot see coming. Like stepping out into the street in front of oncoming bus, life hits us hard when we least expect it. We are left with a self doubt that can be so crippling; it seems we will never “live” again.

What if?

The question haunts us night and day, besieging our dreams and turning them into nightmares.

Things could have been different!

Our minds race to possible outcomes that would make things different and through our narrow scope, perfect.

This is all my fault.

In the video above you see Dr. Cox deals with losing three of his patients, which he feels responsible for their deaths. After losing the third he cannot take it and walks out of the hospitable. Then JD reminds of his own words by saying, “The second you start blaming yourself for people’s deaths, there is no coming back.”

“You’re right.”

How do you think Dr. Cox knew this piece of advice he told his friend?

Dr. Cox is misunderstood character, most of the time, on the TV show scrubs. He seems to be the “hard ass” that hates his job and does not care about anybody but himself. Perry seems to be a complete narcissist, who in his own world cannot make a mistake. Yet when he does, he takes full blame. His mistake haunts him to the point where he cannot function. This is not a defining moment in Dr. Cox’s life. No, he has been blaming himself for a long, long time.

It is so dangerous to blame ourselves for things that are unavoidable. Things could be different but do we really want them to be?

When my mom passed away I blamed myself. It sounds stupid because she died of cancer but I found away to blame myself. It probably does not help that several unnamed people also put this notion into my head.

“You are running your mother ragged, this is not helping her. You are killing her.”

Nonetheless my mom died but what came out of it was the single greatest thing in my life. I came to accept Christ and there is nothing that is not worth losing to know Him.

My biggest beef with Jesus...

Today I realized that I have a huge problem with Jesus. My problem has nothing to do with his character. My problem has nothing to do with his teachings. My problem has nothing to do with Jesus the man but what he wants from me.

Personally, I like to solve problems. I surround myself with people who are hurting because I need to help them. The thought of someone being in emotional pain kills me. If I could, I would bare the pain of the world if it could stop the pain (Jesus beat me to the punch on this one). I love being needed.

My fondest memories with past girlfriends have been the times when I was able to be there for them. Times when they would run to me and just lay in my arms because they had a bad day. Times when they needed a shoulder to cry on. Times when they needed me to be strong because they felt weak. Not the first long kiss or when we first used the "l-word" (although those rank up there too).

This is me.

The one who would rather help than be helped.

Then there is Jesus.

The one who can only help and needs nothing from no one.

Plain and simply, Jesus does not need me. He has a plan for me and my life but if I choose not to follow him, he is not going to beg me to change my mind. Most certainly He will yearn for the day that I turn back to him but He is not going to run after me. Jesus will let me make up my own mind.

There is nothing I can do for Jesus that he cannot do for himself. Jesus will never come to me and ask for advise. Jesus will never want to talk about his bad day. Jesus will never need me. To make matters worse, everything I love to be for other people, Jesus wants to do for me.

This role reversal thing is so hard for me. I have few close friends and with the few close friends I have I am still guarded with. It is hard for me to let people help me. It is hard for me to let Jesus help me. I usually wind up being a wreck of depression and addiction before I let anyone in my life.

I do not want that this time.

I just want Jesus.