My biggest beef with Jesus...

Today I realized that I have a huge problem with Jesus. My problem has nothing to do with his character. My problem has nothing to do with his teachings. My problem has nothing to do with Jesus the man but what he wants from me.

Personally, I like to solve problems. I surround myself with people who are hurting because I need to help them. The thought of someone being in emotional pain kills me. If I could, I would bare the pain of the world if it could stop the pain (Jesus beat me to the punch on this one). I love being needed.

My fondest memories with past girlfriends have been the times when I was able to be there for them. Times when they would run to me and just lay in my arms because they had a bad day. Times when they needed a shoulder to cry on. Times when they needed me to be strong because they felt weak. Not the first long kiss or when we first used the "l-word" (although those rank up there too).

This is me.

The one who would rather help than be helped.

Then there is Jesus.

The one who can only help and needs nothing from no one.

Plain and simply, Jesus does not need me. He has a plan for me and my life but if I choose not to follow him, he is not going to beg me to change my mind. Most certainly He will yearn for the day that I turn back to him but He is not going to run after me. Jesus will let me make up my own mind.

There is nothing I can do for Jesus that he cannot do for himself. Jesus will never come to me and ask for advise. Jesus will never want to talk about his bad day. Jesus will never need me. To make matters worse, everything I love to be for other people, Jesus wants to do for me.

This role reversal thing is so hard for me. I have few close friends and with the few close friends I have I am still guarded with. It is hard for me to let people help me. It is hard for me to let Jesus help me. I usually wind up being a wreck of depression and addiction before I let anyone in my life.

I do not want that this time.

I just want Jesus.