22 Years of Reflection...

I turned 22 yesterday and I was hoping someone might be able to answer some of my questions.

For example, I spend nearly everyday of my life alone so why do you make a big deal about it on my birthday? Why is this the day you care?

If we have not talked in over year, probably since my last birthday when you posted happy birthday on my wall, why thy sudden interest in my life?

I guess my real question is this, are you really my friend?

The English language is vague in the way we use words. I am friends with Ande Thomas, whom I consider my best friend and I am friends with people on facebook whom I am not sure I have ten minute conversation before.

In Greek and Latin and almost every other language, the word friend is much more descriptive. The words they used for friend is best translated to lover.

I guess the real question is do you love me because I do not think you do and if you do, you suck at showing it.

Happy Birthday...

Ode to Old Mellon...

I was there.

The Guins were down 3-0 in the series against the Flyers and everyone in the old Civic Arena knew what was riding on this game. If we did not win this game the season would be over and our dreams of drinking once again from “Lord Stanley’s Fabled Cup” would be prolonged until next season. Not only had this hung in the balance but two of our biggest stars, Mario Lemieux and Joey Mullen’s career where all but over, everyone knew of their impending retirement, everybody but me.

I was 11 and I loved hockey. I remember those good old days of Pittsburgh Hockey before it was such a “fad.” The stands where filled with true fans of hockey, not the corporate business type trying to woo their customers but big guys in overalls and mullets. My grandfather had taken me to the game and our seats where on the Penguins side, above the goal. We got their early because I loved to watch the warm-ups. I felt like a scout as I watched Philadelphia take their practice shots against their goalie, Garth Snow. Leaning over to my Pap I said, “He is letting up some easy ones.” I remember feeling confident that Penguins would easily defeat the Flyers and I was right, we won the game 4-1.

Details of the game are blurry. I do not remember who scored what goals, who hit who and even who the three stars where (besides Mario). The thing I remember the most was the last minute of that game. The Flyers where trying desperately to put another one on the board. They dumped the puck into our zone and gained possession and started cycling the puck to one another. Mario deflected a pass that found its way onto Ian Moran’s stick. Moran fired a pass to the blue line where he found Mario Lemieux on the break away. By the time Mario entered the Flyers territory he was a full stick lengths away from any defender, he glided from left to right. Standing on my seat to see past the sea heads of all the other fans that were standing on their feet, I saw Mario fire one over the glove hand side of Garth Snow. The puck hit the twine, the lamp lit and old Civic Arena erupted with cheer.

After the goal my Grandfather had seen enough and we started to exit early from the game (against my protest). I remember hearing the announcer announce the three stars as we reached my grandfathers Ford Expedition and number 66 was announced as number one. As we left Civic Arena’s parking lot, I remember the noise the most; Cars honking, air horns blasting and the most dominant noise of all; “MARIO MARIO MARIO!!!” The noise did not cease until we were well out of the Squirrel Hill Tunnels. My pap turned down the post game on the radio and said to me, “Zachary, remember this night as long as you live.”
We all know how this story ends. The Pens would lose the next game in Philly and Lemieux retired.

Recently I have moved to Philadelphia to attend Eastern University and when people ask me about what they view as a strange obsession with hockey and my beloved Penguins, I tell them this story. I tell them about how Mario saved us, not once, not twice but three times. I tell them of the days of the Student Rush line and how Georges Laraque handed me a pizza. The old Igloo will be missed but let’s hope the Consol Energy Center will be the site of many more good memories.

Changing...

I am not the same person I was a year ago.

I am not the same person I was 6 months ago.

I am not the same person I was a month ago.

I am not the same person I was a week ago.

I am not the same person I was yesterday.

I just changed again...

I used to say I was so messed up before I met Christ but right now I am messed up. Not in the same way, not in a bitter and depressed drug induced way. I am not in a suicidal trance, floating through life but something is not right.

Christ is messing me up. I re-read the gospels and it troubles me, frightens me and excites me. It makes me wonder...

"Can I do it?"

"Why do we war for peace?"

"What am I getting myself into?"

"If 33% of the world are Christians, why are their still hungry and homeless people?"

"Am I the only one who believes that Jesus meant what he said?"

Am I alone? Do you really believe what he said, what he called you to do?

Go!

Finding my Calcutta...

"Calcutta is everywhere, you just got look for it." Mother Teresa

Many of you know that I just got hired at Oakland United Methodist Church in Johnstown, Pa to be the youth pastor for the summer. Also you probably know that I have looking for my own "Calcutta" to serve in and well I think I found it.

Johnstown...

34.5% of families that have children under 18 are in Poverty

43.9% of families that have children under 5 are in Poverty

60.3% of single mother families that have children under 18 are in Poverty

71.3% of single mother families that have children under 5 are in Poverty

20.9% of individuals over 18 are in Poverty

12.6% of individuals over 60 are in Poverty

37.5% of individuals under 18 are in Poverty

Needless to say one of my first sermons will be on Matt 25:41-43. Wish me luck, I am out to change the world!

Unordinary...

God said to Moses, "I am who I am . This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.' "

What amazes me about God is his unrelentless interest in us. His love is so powerful, so amazing, so crazy for us. It does not make sense for God, who has no problems, to concern himself with us. We are broken people, with real problems but God wants to know us. What is more amazing God identifies himself through us.

Early in the passage God introduces himself as "I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob." He could of very well said, I am God the most powerful, creator of all things now worship me but he did not. Instead he identified himself with his people, the broken and flawed and then invited Moses to take off his sandals, in an act of worship, if he wanted to come any closer, if wanted to experience God more.

Again, God is not your ordinary immortal entity of this time. When Moses wanted to know God's name God replied, "I am who I am." A lot smarter people than I want to make this out as a divine title for God but I think God was so caught up in the moment, he did not care what Moses called him.

Look "I am who I am" but Moses I have seen my people suffering and it "concerns me".

Our suffering concerns God. Again God could have went on a tangent exclaiming Holy names for himself but rather he just said "I am who I am." I am is a God who is more concerned with knowing us than us knowing him. I am not saying God does not want us worship or it is not necessary for us to believe in him to go Heaven. Rather I am saying God wants to know us so intimately that he does not need some huge elaborate introduction. He is content to reveal himself in humble ways, like being born in a manger.

I am still the man...

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world."

Having said this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man's eyes. "Go," he told him, "wash in the Pool of Siloam" (this word means Sent). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing.


His neighbors and those who had formerly seen him begging asked, "Isn't this the same man who used to sit and beg?" Some claimed that he was.

Others said, "No, he only looks like him."

But he himself insisted, "I am the man." (John 9:9)

This passage of the bible is one of my favorites, for many reasons. For one, Jesus explains why God makes us disabled, so the glory of God may be shown through us. You may be thinking that their is nothing glorifying about being mentally challenged or blind or being in a wheel chair but tell that to Aaron Fotheringham (check out this video of him) and do not be deceived by my word choice of disabled. We all have a disability, whether it be a physical or mental, we all have one.

Another reason why I love this story is because Jesus healed this man. There is something about passages of scripture where Jesus heals that get to me. Maybe it is this hoping inside me that one day I can believe so fully that my deepest scares will be erased by grace or maybe it is the way Jesus heals, it is always hands on. He never snaps his fingers or writes out a script (then tells you take all the pills even if you feel better), but rather he touches those he heals. This account is just funny and where one my friend's believes the phrase "oh Jesus" originated.

The last reason why I like this passage, is the way people are in disbelief about what Jesus just did. How they believed that the man was not who he said he was, that he could not be himself because he was so changed. I have experienced that and I still do to this day. When I came to Christ I changed (still am changing) and people did not believe it, they still do not.

It has been three years since I have smoked that "sweet leaf" (April 22nd 2006) and I still get phone calls asking if I want to smoke. It is an awkward conversation when I explain that I choose Christ's love over any type of inebriation these days.

"But you put the HIGH in high school?!?!"

"Not anymore. I grew up and found something better, something fulfilling."

Day by day Christ is workingim me to heal me. I still have problems and plenty of them but I am still the man who Christ healed so many years ago.

I know...

In life we are forced to deal with situations that we cannot see coming. Like stepping out into the street in front of oncoming bus, life hits us hard when we least expect it. We are left with a self doubt that can be so crippling; it seems we will never “live” again.

What if?

The question haunts us night and day, besieging our dreams and turning them into nightmares.

Things could have been different!

Our minds race to possible outcomes that would make things different and through our narrow scope, perfect.

This is all my fault.

In the video above you see Dr. Cox deals with losing three of his patients, which he feels responsible for their deaths. After losing the third he cannot take it and walks out of the hospitable. Then JD reminds of his own words by saying, “The second you start blaming yourself for people’s deaths, there is no coming back.”

“You’re right.”

How do you think Dr. Cox knew this piece of advice he told his friend?

Dr. Cox is misunderstood character, most of the time, on the TV show scrubs. He seems to be the “hard ass” that hates his job and does not care about anybody but himself. Perry seems to be a complete narcissist, who in his own world cannot make a mistake. Yet when he does, he takes full blame. His mistake haunts him to the point where he cannot function. This is not a defining moment in Dr. Cox’s life. No, he has been blaming himself for a long, long time.

It is so dangerous to blame ourselves for things that are unavoidable. Things could be different but do we really want them to be?

When my mom passed away I blamed myself. It sounds stupid because she died of cancer but I found away to blame myself. It probably does not help that several unnamed people also put this notion into my head.

“You are running your mother ragged, this is not helping her. You are killing her.”

Nonetheless my mom died but what came out of it was the single greatest thing in my life. I came to accept Christ and there is nothing that is not worth losing to know Him.

My biggest beef with Jesus...

Today I realized that I have a huge problem with Jesus. My problem has nothing to do with his character. My problem has nothing to do with his teachings. My problem has nothing to do with Jesus the man but what he wants from me.

Personally, I like to solve problems. I surround myself with people who are hurting because I need to help them. The thought of someone being in emotional pain kills me. If I could, I would bare the pain of the world if it could stop the pain (Jesus beat me to the punch on this one). I love being needed.

My fondest memories with past girlfriends have been the times when I was able to be there for them. Times when they would run to me and just lay in my arms because they had a bad day. Times when they needed a shoulder to cry on. Times when they needed me to be strong because they felt weak. Not the first long kiss or when we first used the "l-word" (although those rank up there too).

This is me.

The one who would rather help than be helped.

Then there is Jesus.

The one who can only help and needs nothing from no one.

Plain and simply, Jesus does not need me. He has a plan for me and my life but if I choose not to follow him, he is not going to beg me to change my mind. Most certainly He will yearn for the day that I turn back to him but He is not going to run after me. Jesus will let me make up my own mind.

There is nothing I can do for Jesus that he cannot do for himself. Jesus will never come to me and ask for advise. Jesus will never want to talk about his bad day. Jesus will never need me. To make matters worse, everything I love to be for other people, Jesus wants to do for me.

This role reversal thing is so hard for me. I have few close friends and with the few close friends I have I am still guarded with. It is hard for me to let people help me. It is hard for me to let Jesus help me. I usually wind up being a wreck of depression and addiction before I let anyone in my life.

I do not want that this time.

I just want Jesus.

Sometimes I hate when Jesus comes through...

Sometimes I hate when Jesus comes through for me. Lately I have had a lot of prayers answered for me and as great as that is, it also is stressing me out. Just look at he has done for me lately.

• In my persuasion and propaganda class I am leading a huge food drive that will be capped off with a week of awareness. I personally believe if we just ask for cans of food without spreading awareness of poverty we are not doing the job right. Now I have to over see everything before anything can be done. I have to book speakers, okay events, go to countless meetings with WCCC officials, come up with ideas and so much more. On top of this I have to give several speeches throughout or week of awareness, none of which am I ready for.
• I have been excepted into four great schools. I just have to pick one but I do not know which one. I am almost certain that I should go to Eastern but I have a lot of biased towards it.
• Army of Cranes is officially a Christian band. We are not trying the whole Christians in a band thing, we want to work for the Kingdom. We also have been getting a lot of gigs lately (probably because we are giving all to him), so that is the added stress. Practice dates and writing time is becoming so precious because none of us have any time as it is.
• This is a tough one to talk about. I love you guys at Charter Oak UMC but I have been praying to have an opportunity to serve in other ministries in the area. I have had three opportunities as of late. One was to be a Chaplain of camp, which paid more money than I have ever seen in my life. I declined that offer because of prior obligations to my band. Pastor Chris has recommended me (as well as Amber Biddle) to his friend in Johnstown who is looking for a youth minister. Most recently I have been asked to help start a youth ministry in Latrobe.
• In addition to all that I am dirt poor and I need to get another job.

Even though Jesus is answer my prayers, I am stressed beyond belief. I just need to find what is in his will and we will see.

Let me tell you about my friend Patrick...

This Tuesday is Saint Patrick's Day, the day that is usually celebrated with getting drunk and then peeing in the street. As much as I love being intoxicated and being nude in public, I cannot help but think there is more to this day. So I did I little research and I found out that Patty was a pretty rad dude.

At the age of sixteen Patrick was your average Britt. I am sure he enjoyed all the customs of those early Germanic tribes, although his life was about to change. He was kidnapped by Irish militants and taken back to Ireland as a slave. After six years of being a slave he managed to escape and return to his family and then became a missionary.

This is where the story gets weird. Of all the places he could of picked to go as a missionary, he picked Ireland, the very place he was held captive for six years. Talk about loving your enemies!

Saint Patrick was not Irish but British. If you know anything about the Brit's and the Irish you know they do not get along. Throughout their history Ireland and Brittan have been at war. I would imagine if you where a British missionary, Ireland would be the last place you want to go but Patrick (who had all the reason to hate the Irish) choose to go there.

So how can we celebrate Saint Patrick's Day that would make Saint Patty happy. Let your hate die and serve those who are least in your mind. Humble yourself as Patrick did, as Jesus did.

Stranger...

Have you ever met a complete stranger who has such in site into your life that it is shocking. It just makes you wonder how someone could know your hopes, dreams or fears if they have no prior knowledge of you.

In John chapter four, Jesus encounters a woman whom has never met Jesus. After a lengthy discussion about water (go there yourself, read your BIBLE!) Jesus gives her an account of her life. The women, over joyed by meeting someone who sees past her past, runs and tells everyone about her new friend. In this process Jesus heals her from the most common disease that plagues the human race.

Loneliness...

Rejection...

Depression...

The other day I met a man most of you probably met as well. Another ordinary radical from a far off land. His name was Kumar. Kumar is a pastor in the underground church in India and has come to Pittsburgh to get a degree in divinity. I had the honor of talking with him and what he said shocked me.

One of the first questions he asked me was "if I had many friends?"

It caught me off guard because that is not a normal question people ask. I kinda of shrugged it off and answered by making a joke, something I always do to change the subject. He let it go and we continued talking but it has been bothering me since.

Could Jesus have intervened in that conversation?

I struggle with loneliness. I know I do not have many good friends and I refuse to open up with people. When it comes to it if you ask me if I am okay I will lie to your face, crack a joke and say I am tired.

I cannot continue to do this anymore. I need to be more vulnerable with you guys.

Fire and brimstone...

In my persuasion and propaganda class, my instructor likes to show us how different organizations use persuasion tactics to sell their product. Today he started talking about how the church used fear as one of their tactics to "sell Jesus."

"If you voted for Obama or you will go to hell."

"If you eat meat on Friday's you will be subject to God's wrath."

"If you support homosexuals, then you are evil."

The worst part of these statements are the fact that they are not ambiguous. These statements are not his own but rather statements from other church officials. The author of these statements meant what they said and that is that.

My professor went on to say the Protestant church (he had been picking on the Catholics for awhile to this point and noticed that some students where getting uneasy) had ruled with "fire and brimstone."

Where is the love?

Have we fallen so far from his Grace that people cannot see the counterfeits of our faith?

As I have mentioned before this class takes on a project that is supposed to persuade our school to do something. Right now some of my class mates are throwing out ideas but I am sitting still, waiting for my turn. One idea was to start a "reading movement" across our campus but I think we can do something bigger. As noble of a cause that is, I think we can do something bigger.

Everyone on our campus can read, that is why we go to college but nearly a billion people world wide entered the 21st century not able to read. Poverty is at its highest and we expire to get people to read a book? People are dying in our own backyards but the best my class can offer is to help those who are not in need? Do we not have the decency to think of those who truly need our help or will we smother those same needy people with our greed as our forefathers did?

I think not and I promise you that before this semester is over my class will see fire! No, not the flaming glow of hell but the flaming chariots of God! I will present my Savior to them in all his glory. They will see why I believe in who I believe and hopeful they will pick up their cross and follow Him, not me.

I am truly excited to be able to share my faith in action, rather than word!

I tell you the truth...

I decided to re-read the gospels today. You know I just applied to four bible colleges so I thought it would be a good idea to know what I am getting into. I read up and through Mathew chapter seven and had to stop. There was just so much I had to digest, some of it was overwhelming. Go ahead, I dare you to read Mathew four through seven!

Anyway the one thing that really stuck out to me is a simply phrase Jesus used.

I tell you the truth...

It may not seem like a big deal to you but to me it is everything. My Saviour, my Creator, the one whose sandal I am not worthy to carry, tells me the truth. Lets not cheapen God for a second, if he wanted he could completely ignore me. He does not need me to survive, I need him. He sustains me, not the other way around. Jesus does not need to give me any time at all but he does. To make it all the better he is telling me the truth.

That may not seem to be a lot to you but I have been lied to, a lot. When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, it was all hush hush. My parents did not want to answer my sisters or my own questions. It was hard to cope with the idea of my mom being sick but I did not know what was going on. That is hard.

I am just glad to know when the world is lying and hurting me, Jesus will tell me the truth...

My Eastern Essay...

So I had to write an essay for all my college applications and this one I like a lot. The question was something to the extent of why do you agree with Eastern's Mission Statement. Enjoy.

Since the time I have been sixteen I have been looking and researching colleges that I felt to be appropriate for myself. In that time I have probably dreamt of attending twenty different colleges or so but my reasoning for wanting to attend those colleges were immature and childish. I wanted to go that college because my friend was there, that school because she was there and that university because they had a good football team. My reasoning for wanting to attend a certain college was not based on the integrity of that college but rather how much fun I could have there. Today I want attend a university that will be able to prepare me for life by instilling me with knowledge and ethics.

Recently I have been feeling a huge call to help the needy, especially the homeless. Somehow in popular Christianity we have seemed to forgotten about the poor, at least in our own neighborhoods. I have noticed that a lot of Christians would rather send a check to someone across the world than help their neighbor in need. Do not misunderstand me, it is wonderful to help those around the world by sending money to them but Jesus did not say I was broke and you wrote me a check. He said…

“For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.” Mathew 25:35-36

Too many of our theologies on serving are pay, pray and get out of the way. Give the church money to help the needy, pray that we are successful in helping the needy and get out of the way. I think if we are going to be successful in serving the poor we need to get our hands dirty. That is why I like the Mission Statement of Eastern University. The sections covering Justice and Community scream that you want your students to be active in helping the needy. “We particularly seek to work with and for poor” and “…desire a campus community…that embodies values of Christian witness, caring and compassion, justice and integrity, competence and affirmation.” This speaks to the Gospel of Jesus Christ and to how I feel called to serve Him.